"Green is the prime color of the world, and that from which all loveliness arises." -Pedro Calderon de la Barca.


Friday, February 19, 2010

The Heart That Wouldn't Quit...

I haven't been wanting to write about this...

I went to my specialist (reproductive endocrinologist) to have my 3rd ultrasound...  

Background info:
I have P.C.O.S.  along with a small tumor on my pituitary gland that causes all sorts of hormonal havoc.  After I realized when I was in my 20's that five years is not a normal time frame for most people to get pregnant, I started asking questions.  
"Are night sweats normal for a 24 yr old?"
"Shouldn't I have more than 3 cycles a year?"

No doctor would listen.  I was thin, healthy in all other ways.  They did no tests and told me it was normal.  (IT IS NOT.)  
I started taking herbal supplements for menopausal women and in a matter of months I was pregnant with my Emily.  


When she was two we started trying again.  

Three years and four miscarriages later I got mad. 

I researched online and in libraries and read two wonderful books "Taking Charge of Your Fertility" by Toni Weschler and "Women's Bodies-Women's Wisdom" by Dr. Northrup when I realized I had P.C.O.S.  It took almost year and a half to get someone to test me for it.  And the result?
"Oh, we are happy to tell you we discovered your problem." 
"Hmm," I said.
"P.C.O.S.!"  the doctor beamed.


Not wanting to do anything the doctor wanted me to (drugs, drugs, or drugs)  I changed my ways. 
  • No red meat.  (Organic wasn't available then, probably would be fine but I still avoid all red meat.)
  • No milk but organic milk.  (Stopped drinking soy milk also because it has estrogen like components.)
  • Almost all organic veggies.
  • When I'd start getting hot flashes I'd use natural progesterone cream for a few months.
Guess what?  I got pregnant with my second, then third kids.  
I also demanded progesterone shots and took a daily baby aspirin.

Healthy miracle babies later I thought I was over all this.
I got pg in early December and thought it would be okay this time, now I knew what to ask for.
No.
Two, almost three months later at my 3rd ultrasound...
"No heartbeat." the doctor said and walked out of the room.

In his office he had the nerve to say:
"I didn't do anything wrong, there's nothing I could have done.
"This happens with OLD moms."  
OH HE DID NOT JUST SAY THAT, I AM ONLY 39!
  *In my head: ("Hey doc, have you not been my doctor for 11 years or even read my record?  The other four miscarriages were in my 20's!")
"There's nothing I did wrong.  There's nothing I did wrong.  Nothing I did wrong." he said.
"Any questions?"
I was in shock.  Too upset to cry. 
My mom said in the lobby...
"That jerk didn't even offer you a Kleenex."

My conclusion. Infertility sucks.  So does P.C.O.S. (And most doctors even worse.)
But...
Even if I do feel broken and inadequate right now,
I have an awesome mom who worries about me having a tissue,
I have three wonderfully, miraculous, phenomenal kids, 
I have a supportive, loving, sexy, husband who loves me.

THEY are my heart that won't quit. 

18 comments:

bp said...

Nice to meet you.

I have PCOS also and had a miscarriage in 2003. We have a son also who is 5 now.

God bless.
Bethany

goosey said...

Aw girl. I have tears in my eyes. That was beautiful.

Anonymous said...

I love you my dear dear " ultra- adequate" friend. You are blessed and you are a blessing to so many!
Terri
TAG-c

The one girl said...

I was diagnosed with PCOS a year and a half ago. My dr. prescribed Yaz (BC), but other than that we haven't even talked about the PCOS since. My periods are regular again, and that was my primary complaint. I also went on Accutane shortly after, so my acne was much improved during the time that I was on it. Now I'm off, and the acne is back! In the last few years, I've also gained weight and my blood pressure & cholesterol have both elevated. Until the last couple of days, I hadn't considered that these may be connected with PCOS. Thank you for writing and including the link to the PCOS website. It's overwhelming to read, and upsetting think that I might be in worse shape than I thought I was. Ugh.

panamamama said...

Bethany- You too! Thanks.
One girl- Don't be frustrated. I saw changes from just doing the organic thing and using the "Lose It" app to watch my carbs,sugars etc. (I am borderline diabetic now and know that's from the PCOS.) I never had to watch what I ate before my 30's and now it's getting harder, in part due to the PCOS I'm sure. Read the SoulCysters site and those books I mentioned are wonderful for teaching us about what we should expect and what we can do. Doctors just do what is expected, not what is needed sometimes and we have to be our own health advocates. It's nice to know we're not the only ones sometimes! :)

The Pifer's said...

Thank you for your story!

Infertility is such a hard journey, it has it's up and it's downs...it's a path that God only trust with certain people...

I'm praying for you through this journey. My husband and I have also been TTC (4 years next month), I also have PCOS--infertility is a huge part of our lives, it does not define us, but it's def. changed us for the better!

I would be interested in knowing more about your diet if you not mind sharing (the part about the no red meat and so forth...)

www.thepiferfamily.blogspot.com

The Pifer's said...

Thank you for your story!

Infertility is such a hard journey, it has it's up and it's downs...it's a path that God only trust with certain people...

I'm praying for you through this journey. My husband and I have also been TTC (4 years next month), I also have PCOS--infertility is a huge part of our lives, it does not define us, but it's def. changed us for the better!

I would be interested in knowing more about your diet if you not mind sharing (the part about the no red meat and so forth...)

www.thepiferfamily.blogspot.com

Summer said...

Over from Kelly's! Thank you for your story! Infertility is rough! I struggled for 2 1/2 years I had 2miscarriages due to Factor 5 Liden(blood clotting disorder they discovered later) and several surgeries I had my miracle little girl who is now 3!

I have a similar story I would like to share with you about another heartless doctor! I tear up writing this but I hope it helps! Our very first pregnancy I went to my 12 week appt. with my husband 1 day after my birthday and the PA did the ultrasound took pics and handed them to us and said she needed the doctor to take a look! We thought everything was fine and then in a cold hearted tone he said no heartbeat, and walked out....left me sobbing with the PA and my hubby! Just horrible....than to make matters worse he walked back in and said it looks like the baby passed at 10wks so lets wait for you to miscarry on your own! Seriously I thought....it was horrible and after 2 mths of not miscarrying and complete torture from it....My bloodpressure bottomed out and I had to have an emergency D&C....I found a new doctor.....

My heart aches for you girly! Sorry this is sooo long

Summer :0)

Christa said...

Aww, Michelle, I am so sad to read this. You are NOT old and it was nothing you did. God has everything happen for a reason! Praying you through this time...and offering you a shoulder to cry on should you need one!

Love ya sweetie!
Christa

Anonymous said...

You have really been through a lot. I'm glad you have such a loving and supportive family. Your mom sounds awesome! Maybe you should have let her at the rude doctor! Thanks for being brave enough to share your story. I'm sure your words will help many people going through similar circumstances.

Amber said...

I found your link from Kelly's Korner. Thank you for sharing your story. I was diagnosed with PCOS in August after we had been trying for 8 months and my cycle wasn't regular after going off bc. A few months before being diagnosed I had spoke to my family doctor about the possibility of having PCOS because I had all of the other symptoms. Finally I was able to convince my OB/GYN to test me for it and sure enough, that's what I had. In November, I started fertility treatments, only for that to fail and then the next month, it failed again as well. I feel like I have no one to talk to about what I am going through because no one around me understands the pain I'm going through when all I want is a healthy baby. Again, thank you for sharing your story.

Summer said...

Thanks for your sweet comment on my blog! I am now following you as well! I look forward to becoming bloggy friends! It seems we have quite a bit in common even though I wish we both didn't have to go through this! The blood clotting issue like I had said was the culprit in my fertility issues! Maybe you could bring it up with your doctor and have them test you for Factor V Liden and they may give you Heparin shots and baby aspirin to thin your blood! That is what they did for me and I had my precious Kelcee! Oh and you were talking about your daughter being tested for Lupus and she has masto....I have a friend who has that and all these auto immune diseases have so many similarities it hard to distinguish one from the other that is why it is soooo hard to diagnose! I will keep you in my prayers....
Summer :0)

Brea said...

Hi,

That was an inspiring story.

Whilst I don't have PCOS, I was diagnosed with Stage 2 Cervical Cancer at 19. I had part of my cervix removed, and I was on Chemo for 6 months before I, thank god, went into remission.

I was told I could never have children. I was devastated.

Three years later I gave birth to a baby girl. It was a hard pregnancy, they even had to sew my cervix shut so I didn't miscarry.

BUT, it all was worth it as I now have a beautiful teenage daughter who is my miracle child.

I have tried several times since then to become pregnant again, but it hasn't taken. But it's ok, I have Tomika, and she keeps my heart safe.

Brittany said...

That was really sad, and you went through a lot. I am sorry for your loss.

Kathy said...

That was a beautiful post. I've been thinking about you so much lately. You are a very brave, strong YOUNG woman. Some Dr's can be so calloused and behind the times. If you give me his name I'd be happy to let him know it too. Mucho hugs and love to all of you.

A 2 Z said...

Hi,

visiting from SITS. You are a good exemple of how women have to take charge of their health these days. I'm happy you were able to conceive 3 beautiful kids. You should have been a doctor...

His Doorkeeper said...

Oh, Michelle, I'm just now reading your post. I am so sorry about the loss of your baby. You are not old!
You are a beautiful blessed mother to your children and a wonderful wife to Scott!

Thinking of you and Scott!

Unknown Mami said...

I am so sorry. Thank you for sharing your story.

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